I'm Alive

A visit into the mind of Jordan Snowzell.

The Heart Condition

"Do you remember that annoying phrase that your mum would always say to you “It’s what’s on the inside that counts”?

I always thought it was just a nice little phrase that made people feel good.

But I was wrong. Today, I was faced with the reality of this statement.

When there is a problem with the heart, your outward appearance can’t hide it for long.

The deception of your exterior cannot avoid fatality.

I didn’t even know I had a heart condition until…

Until one day I fell. Darkness; complete and utter darkness.

They had to do major heart surgery, apparently my heart was contaminated by hurt and crippled by bitterness. They had to remove things from my heart, remove things that I didn’t even know were there.

Lying in my humble state it was impossible to deny that my heart was rotting and that it needed fixing.

The first thing that they extracted was unforgiveness. When I was just a little boy I had to watch my parents split up. I harbored bitterness, I never really forgave them for deciding not to love each other anymore. I never forgave them for splitting my life into two.

When I was a teenager pride began to creep in as I was consistently faced with high marks and drip fed grade A’s. Countless successes turned my confidence into arrogance. Unknowingly pride became my foundation.

Then there was shame. This was buried deep within for no one to see, silently decaying. I underestimated the power of it. Endless images of so called satisfaction poisoned my innocence and robbed me of true pleasure. Shame kept it silent, shame kept it padlocked ensuring that no one would ever know.

They removed Insecurities that had built up over the years due to careless words spoken and experiences had. Haunting insecurities that whisper imperfection, whispers so strong they won’t go until enough bottle tops hit the bar. But the next morning those insecurities would come flooding back and their whispers turn to screams.

Jealousy had made its home in my heart growing more and more every time I saw my girlfriend in the presence of another man. I would bite like a threatened animal for fear that I would lose her to someone else. Jealousy pumped through my heart clouding my every judgment.

But they cleaned me up; they sorted me out.

Stitched with hope and woken with a second chance.

I didn’t know that my heart was so vulnerable; so fragile, I didn’t know that my heart needed to be protected more than anything else.

It’s from the heart that the mouth speaks. The condition of your heart defines the direction of your life. 

Now, when I walk around I can’t help but ask myself ‘how many of these people need heart surgery and don’t even know it?’”

  1. snowzell posted this